Okay it's time to write. It's time for this newly minted (yet non-labelled) vegan to tell you a story! I was going to apologize for the ginormous gap between posts but why? It is what it is. It's like all the gals I know can try to convince me that heels are where it's at in the world of shoes and I will still be a flat's kind of gal. You can't tell the wind which way to blow, you know what I'm saying? And this blog is going to write itself when it writes itself, nothing can change the pace of the birthing of words into the world.  You know the Universe is constantly expanding because we are constantly adding to it, so let's be thoughtful about what we add.  It's going to be out there forever, so a little due diligence, please.  And silence is always golden, so let's not ruin that with anything but words of empirical importance that do more than inspire, they will help you navigate your own world - since as humans, we are more alike than we care to admit. And if it (life, experience, addiction) has happened to me then chances are, while it may look different, it can (and will likely) happen to you too. Oh and I like to start sentences with AND because why not?

So here's a story that you can trust.  Even though I have never appreciated or watched any of the Lord of The Rings franchise as the majority of the population seems to have done, and I refuse to...I am to be trusted on this.  And to make up for the former I am a huge Game of Thrones fan, which clearly makes me cool.  And relatable.  So here's what I'm thinking - I know I drank to control my world.  And by drink I mean; look forward to drinking, schedule social events around drinking, think about drinking and of course, tap tap on the wristwatch "kids it's time for bed" which is code for "kids I don't want you to witness me destroying this bottle of wine all by myself". And by control I mean; ease out of the day, bring lucidity to my thoughts, help me get stuck emotion/thoughts out, soften me to people who play games/gossip/piss me off (more on this later), make me forget tragic world events, assist the tolerance of asshole relatives, and make me dance like no one is watching.

This is a war that I was not going to win.  This conflict with the external.  You see, nothing out there is real.  It walks like a duck, it quacks like a duck, sure. So it's going to seem like a real duck. (I often use water as a reference and things that relate to water because, I'm obsessed with the ocean. The salt, the spray, the sun, the blue. Delicious! In my next life I plan to take up surfing.) But it has taken me and is still taking me time to formulate this theorem so stick with me for a minute.  I'll figure it out as I write. The external conflicts, scenery, people, life - all of it - is an illusion.  It's a projection of your inner world.  Conflict inside = chaos outside.  There are a lot of people who drink/use drugs to try to tame this beast.  Which, ironically makes things worse.  Sad and true. There are also people who eat, shop or diet to control their worlds too, so anything done to excess in order to maintain a sense of control is, in a sense, an addiction.

How you gonna win when you ain't right within?
-Lauryn Hill 

So the deal is this, when you give up the booze, or the drugs etc., you are left to your own devices in this world. Yeah, at first that sucks big time.  But really, you wouldn't be here reading if booze was the answer to all your fucking problems. And you may feel at first like someone forgot to throw you a life preserver, because it's getting harder to tread water out here without help from a nip of the old cough medicine.  But trust.

Soon the water settles, in time.  Soon you can see your reflection on the surface, and you float. Drinking is like being in the water and seeing that when you poke your finger on the surface, it ripples outwardly disturbing the surface. You try to control the ripples you caused, and that action in itself causes more ripples. But hear this - it ripples OUT.  Out of you.  What you think/feel/align with inside, makes the ripples or tsunamis on the surface.  Your outer world, the one you deal with as it unfolds everyday, is directly affected by your state of mind.  The way to get right within, to be still and feel peace among the ripples, is meditation.

It's no coincidence that millions of people in recovery are meditating.  (Millions of people who aren't addicted also meditate. I can see why.)  It's the one thing that can keep you afloat in the world when all else fails. Because you then realize that the people who piss you off/gossip/play games are stuck in their own drama/control dilemma.  Which has zero to do with you! This realization allows you to let go, and let them get on with it.  Because you no longer need to control people/things/the world.  You can shrug it off.  Let them see you smiling, genuinely, and wishing them well because it really doesn't matter.  All that matters now is that you breathe deeper than ever, repeatedly, over and over again, oxygenating yourself so much that you feel as if you can handle anything at all.

Anytime in my life that I've tried to control my chaos, I ended up making things worse.  Daily meditation helps me get right within.  Getting right means observing things without finding the need to control them.  Witnessing the thoughts, not attaching to them.  Just seeing them, and letting them go.  Realizing that we control our job is to do our best here.   Just breathing and noticing.  Allowing.  Seeing, without worrying.

So just start where you are.  Sit for five minutes and breathe.  Next time add more minutes...and maybe a mantra.  Find an app.  Find a local group or start one of your own! No excuses.  Inner world is the real you.  Outer world, a projection of what you think/feel.  Let's get this right.  We've got to get this right.  One person at a time.  The entire world is depending on us, do you understand!? This is something you've been reading over and over.  It keeps coming up for you.  That's why you are here.  You needed to read this.  Join me again.  I'll try to write sooner than I did last time. This is not polished or professional, in case you are a new reader, know this - I share because I am a lady who cares. Now go meditate.  No drinking okay!

"I love you; I’m sorry; please forgive me; thank you” - try Ho'oponopono, the Mantra of forgiveness and reconciliation.