1000 beautiful suns ago - I chose.

Take my hand.
Walk back with me to see something different than we see today.
Let's revisit how life was an intoxicating thousand days ago.

See there was the time of a soul retrieval of sorts, a trip deep into the vast red rocks, into a Bedouin camp, in the heart of little Petra - where by firelight I was entertained with a feast, and my greatly travelled companions and I shared in the ancient tradition of cushion time in a tent in the heart of the freakin desert. Frankincense fragrantly burning on campfires and turban wrapped stories of lore, a healing man + the low tables brimming with food.  As shadowy figures held arms up to wave farewell backlit by campfire, the tears pooled in my throat instead of my eyes, because if I had allowed them the exit they so rightly deserved that would have made me look weak, or sensitive. Which is why when I left this scene and went back to my hotel, I drank a bottle of red wine to ease the swallowing of the lump of sadness those pooled tears had created. I was already missing this place that felt like home.

Look, there were other instances that left me looking for my stomach on the floor.  For instance when my maternal grandmother passed on from Earth-side into the next journey.  It was the shame of how she'd seen me behave while under the influence when she was here that really dropped like a lead anchor in my gut.  So I dealt with that by having a few drinks.  You know, in her honour.

There was the night I drank two liters of white wine at a cancer fundraiser.  Think about that for a second.  Let that sink in. Here's something to chew on from an article shared by Holly of Hip Sobriety: "Take breast cancer. Most doctors aren’t aware that the amount of alcohol a woman drinks is a better predictor than the number of cigarettes she smokes for whether she gets breast cancer. And then once she gets breast cancer, any amount of alcohol accelerates tumor growth. If doctors want to treat breast cancer better—even if only for their own financial self-interest—they’re going to have to provide behavioral health care." - Dr. Thomas McLellan

Moms like me knew a thing or two about wine.  We needed it.  We earned it.  We deserved it.  That was the lie I bought into for so long.  Herein lies the simplest of truths, and I wasn't alone in this, morning after morning, whether I'd had one glass or four, I was sad.  I dragged my feet.  Then ran to catch up.  I was preoccupied with feeling sick, or depressed, or trying to dig my way out of a hole I'd dug myself into with something I had maybe said the night before. Something that I wouldn't even agree with sober but for some reason it escaped my lips after the wine hijacked my brain.

Cyclical, my nightly drinking had taken on a life of it's own after my beautiful children went to sleep.  Because I knew enough that I didn't want them to see me sucking back the syrup each night, but not quite with it enough to know that they saw the full bottle the night before and the empty bottle in the recycle bin the following morning.

Reasons for drinking? Many. A few among them, the new business. (Entrepreneur? I have a six month old! Better start drinking that will help.)  The meals. (Three times a day for eighteen years? Times four people? Better open a bottle and gain some inspiration.) The bills. (Self explanatory.  They come every month, what the hell???)  The expectation of having it "together".  What are other moms doing?, I thought. Do they deserve to unwind after dinner with wine like me, or do they have to keep working until 11pm then flop into bed to start thanklessly all over again the next day. 

I didn't want to carry on the way things were going.  If I did, statistically things would have gotten much worse for me.  So I had to do something radical.  Take some radical action to change my life.  Stop wishing things could be different, and just actually make them different.
So a thousand beautiful suns ago - I chose.

That seems like a lifetime ago because it was.  That was another me. That morning a thousand days ago I stepped into a new self and I never ever looked back.  Except with only the slightest regret, for not having chosen sooner.  But then Nayyirah Waheed sums it up the best:

"I want to live so densely. lush. and slow in the next few years, that a year becomes ten years, and my past becomes only a page in the book of my life."

Walk with me now, here in this new day.  This dense, lush, slow day.  
It looks bright, doesn't it?
It feels aligned, doesn't it?
It rests, and it aims to seek the magic in the ordinary.
It appreciates.
It laughs.
It has coherence.
It's more organized.
It's well fed.
It feels.
FEELS, so delicious my goodness, the FEELS! 

Making the choice to quit drinking alcohol and adopting a non-drinking lifestyle a thousand days ago altered the trajectory of my existence.
It's rippled out, as energy does - and has effected millions of people.  Yes, our actions do that.  

I won't list the thousand new habits that have carved this angel out of the marble, lol - but I will list a few;

*Weight lifting
*Kundalini Yoga
*Holistic Dental Care
*Hair Masking
*Walking in nature
*Raising Monarchs
*Planting a garden
*Daily meditation
*Reading a million glorious books
*Making eye contact with kids and staring into their stunning souls
*Having self confidence
*Following up on promises
*Making more of an effort with the heartbeats in my life
*twenty second hugs that last thirty seconds
*veganism (oh the vibrancy! oh my days delicious)
*drinking the green juice
*Trevor Hall!
*gratitude journaling
*dream boarding
*taking long, slow, hot, scented baths then watching a movie in my flannels
*calling lovelies on the phone
*Being present to all the now moments
*loving all things

Yes, that last one said being. 

Because we are enough.

I still need to work on doing the recycling thing better, stacking the dishwasher the right way, giving up honey to be 100% certified vegan (not because I care about labels but because I care about BEES!) and finishing all the shampoo in the bottle before starting the newer and shinier one.  But I'll figure it out.

Our sadness, our joys, our wins and losses make us who we are. There are no failures.  All is gold awaiting the crack of thunder to part the sky and show you the truth.  Fake it til you make it is true.  Live each day as if you were never going to have another.  Be in love with all that is. IN LOVE WITH IT.  Enjoy what is arising for you because the grand plan isn't of your conscious knowing right now and that is why we are here. We have no answers and we have no control.  We only have perception and choice. Numbing yourself with alcohol or drugs is cheating yourself out of your very existence.  No controlling your intake isn't an option. Controlling your intake is another form of torture, it involves work, and if you have to control it then it is controlling you. There is nothing to moderate when you don't partake...and that is freeing.  Liberation at it's finest.  I'm beyond overjoyed at the fact that I don't have to moderate it in my life anymore. 

I will celebrate today forgiving myself 100% for anything that happened by way of alcohol in my life. I will celebrate by overdosing on a huge hit of vibrational medicine, brought to you by Mother Earth and the channels of meditation.  I will celebrate by holding my loved ones close, relishing every task I've been gifted to give to them not as a chore, but as an honour of giving of self.  Because I don't need to take the edge off of anything to give them 100% of what they deserve. 

And I will keep all the stressed out moms and everyone else who wishes they could stop drinking in my prayers because that my friends, is all mighty powerful stuff.

I love your soul - G

For help to quit substance use disorders please see any number of fine resources in my sidebar.